Seeking Love's Poison
by Natsumi Wakabe
Summary: A love between a man and elf is doomed. Haldir should know, he's in love with a mortal doomed to die. AU, Slash. Haldir/Aragorn. Rated M because we're paranoid.


_Disclaimer: Wakabe Writing Firm doesn't own Lord of the Rings_

_A/N: Everyone, we have a returning secretary. My name's Damon, and I am the one in charge of this little ficlet here. I've been on vacation for a while, and just hope my skills aren't too rusty. This is the first time that Natsumi has published a slash fic, for which she is extremely nervous. All I ask is that you be honest in your opinion, and send it to her. Critiques are always welcomed, but flames will be fed to the security demon dogs at the office. Thank you all for your time, and hope you enjoy. -Damon (Banshee Secretary, Wakabe Writing Firm)_

_Last warning. This is slash and AU. Have fun reading, and please review!_

It was doomed from the start. A romance between a man and an elf could only ever end in tragedy. In a relationship between the two races, time was always too short and what was had in the brief years, decades, or even the rare century, was never enough. The sorrow that followed afterwards always led to death, and a loneliness that only the Halls of Mandos could ever relieve; because even in Valinor, with all of its glories and peace and blessings, could never truly heal a broken heart.

So why had he done it?

What had possessed him to open his heart to a mortal, to _this_ mortal? A man of the Dunedain he may be, but even they could not dream of living the many milenia into eternity that elves could live. He was the heir to two kingdoms, from a line that was hunted down until he was all that was left. He was doomed to die even before he was born.

And yet he loved him. He loved this man of many worlds, who wandered all over Arda, ever defending the blissfully ignorant and innocent from the raging darkness of Mordor. He adored this Ranger of the North, that protected the cities of men, the realms of elves, and the villages of hobbits. He cherished this mortal that was ever under the rule of Fate and Destiny, who had been molded all his life to be able to survive the hardships of the wilds, thrive in the courts, and blossom in the dangers of all realms. He loved him so much, could not bear the thought of not having him, and did not want to contemplate what life would hold for him when he left for the realm of the dead, after his time on Arda would be over, and he would have to go on to his last journey.

What started it all, this doomed romance that would end in death?

It had started off so simply. He was just crossing the borders, not staying or even planning to be there for long. He had been away from home for so long, and had wanted nothing more than to just get there quickly. It had made sense that he would choose to see his distant elven kin, that he would go through the Golden Woods, when it would offer him a brief place to rest, before he would continue on, to return once more to the Last Homely Home so far north. And, as every other intruder and guest to the realm of the fair Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn, he had been stopped before he could venture too far in. And when their eyes met, a part of Haldir knew that this would be the cause of his greatest despair and the purest happiness in all his life.

_"Im Aragorn."_

_Aragorn._ His mind whispered the name, the sound of the name of his new beloved like a caress in his mind. He wanted to shudder under the weight of the heavy and intense stormy grey eyes that looked into his own immortal blue, but resisted. It would do him no good to surrender to his doom now, when he still had a fighting chance. He regarded the man as coldly as he could, trying to force his heart back behind its cage of steal and ice, away from the one desire that he felt now, slowly creeping into him. He would not fall, he told himself, he would not follow those before him that had loved and then lost their beloved mortal. He was stronger than that, he could deny his heart. He could overcome this passing fancy, and continue on his way, living as he always had. He would not love this man. He could not love this man.

But he lied.

Even as he escorted the man into his home, the elf could not help but feel the rushing of his doom coming closer and closer with each moment that he was in the company of the man. It whispered in his blood, called to him in his mind, what was coming. He felt the urge to abandon him, to leave this man there in the company of his brothers, even as he felt the bone deep need to get closer to the mortal. As torn as he was in his internal conflict of bliss and anguish against survival and an eternal emptiness, Haldir did not miss the way the man looked at him. It both excited him and made him all the more anxious over what would happen between them. And with each step they took deeper into his home, the place that had been his sanctuary from the outside world for so many years, Haldir knew that he would doom himself- either with a love too brief to keep him for the eternity that awaited him, or an endless empty loneliness that he would never be able to escape from in his immortal life.

How had he been able to choose his damnation, when he would have rather been without the choice?

Why had he chosen, when he could have ignored it instead?

In the setting of the sun, after the turn of the guards, he found him again, this time in a little clearing on the grounds, freshly bathed and hair still wet, glistening and shining enticingly. He had a slight flush to his cheeks, coloring them a soft pink that was somewhat faded into the tanned skin, kissed by sun for hours. And his eyes, his gorgeous and intense and powerful eyes of storms and the sea still called to him, a siren's deadly beacon to the dangerous and deadly outcropping of love and despair. And he, even Haldir, captain of the Golden Woods, loyal servant to the Lord and Lady of the Golden Woods, and march warden of the Galadhrim, could not resist the call, no matter what cold logic tried to break through the haze of passion and emotion that he never knew he could feel.

_"Haldir."_ Never had his name sounded so sweet as when it rolled off his tongue. His breath did not catch in his throat at the sound of his name, because he no longer had need of air. Suddenly, all his world was wrapped up in this one man, this stranger that he had already pledged his heart to.

Few words were spoken as the two came together- not in the passions of the flesh, but in the meeting of the souls, where words were meaningless, and the eyes speak in a language only the heart knows. Touches were too brief, and chaste, with little more than hands to gently grasp and hold when they dared, for the few short moments before they would part again. They passed the night mostly in silence, learning the secret signs of the other, before dawn approached and duty separated them once more.

He should have ended it there. He still had a chance then, to be able to break it off then. He could have been strong enough to say no more, to deny his heart, and to force that day to disappear from his memories altogether. So why hadn't he?

Because he was already too deep.

Even with just one night, he already had already surrendered to his fate, had already given in to the coming grief and sorrow that would follow in the wake of his too brief time with this man that he already loved. He could not resist him, and even though Haldir knew that he would not have every day for the rest of Aragorn's life to be with him, he knew that it would be more than worth it, even when he faded away.

He sought him out again that night, after he had performed his duties. His heart hammered away in his chest, as his eyes scanned the area for any sign of the Dunedain. When at last he saw him again, he felt a wave of something pass over him, making him want to tremble with that strange feeling, which for now had no name. He stiffened for a moment, waiting for it to pass so that he would not stumble and fall before this man. He may have the beginnings of love within him (_only the beginnings_, he told himself,_ he could still get out alive_) but he would not be some damsel and swoon before this man simply because he caused his heart to beat fast, his blood to rush through him, drowning out all noise, it was so loud. He would not let this man make him anything that he was not.

_"Mae govannen, Haldir." _And once more, Haldir could not help but shiver at the sound of his name from his lips.

_"Mae govannen, Aragorn." _He could not help but smile at the way the Ranger looked down for a moment, his shadowed eyes the only indicationi at to what he felt. It was nice to see that he was not the only one that was affected by this new bond between them.

They spent that night much as they had the other night. Not talking, only briefly touching, until the end. In a whispered confession, Aragorn told Haldir what he already knew; that he would be leaving tomorrow, and that it would be some time before they would meet again.

_"I do not wish for you to be bound to me."_ Because then it would mean suffering for his beau.

_"Do not think that I do not wish to explore this with you." _I wish to explore this, to give you as much as my torn heart can. I wish to be with you, for however long I can, before you turn from me, or I am forced to depart from you to where my ancestors wait.

_"I just wish for you to be happy."_ Happy in ways that I do not believe I am able to make you, because I will not be there for you tomorrow, to hold you, to find out more, to know you and let you know me. Nor will I be there for many long stretches of years, as I am duty bound to protect those that cannot defend themselves against the evils of Arda.

_"My road is long and hard, and I have no wish for you to be caught in the torrents and storms to come."_ A storm that I cannot avoid, one that will either sink me down into the darkness with what is left of my kin, or send me to a place that only my distant forefathers have known. A place that I do not think you wish to be, because I would have to leave your side in order to give unto the world an heir to the land.

All this, Haldir knew, and knew what he did not say. Still, even with the door opened for him, even with an admittence to what he knew lay ahead of him, he did not turn back.

_"I have already made my choice." _A step, then another toward the man. _"You already know it."_

There was no more talking after that, as they cherished this last night before they would once more be parted until Aragorn could once more return to the Golden Woods.

.

When next fate allowed them to meet, Aragorn had been gone for too many passings of Anor, and like before, was once more found by the patrolling keepers of the Golden Woods. This time, Haldir did not escort him in, nor did he meet him in the talans or the staircases leading up through the trees. Instead, he found him later that night, wakening from his sleep to the feeling of being watched. Turning, he saw his much dreamed of watcher there. Haldir looked just as magnificent as he had all those years ago, when he had first entered into the Golden Woods. His white gold hair was pulled back in his warrior braids, and his blue eyes were still just as soulful and wise as Aragorn had remembered. However, there was something else in those eyes now, a kind of silent scream that Aragorn had not seen in any other being before. It was in the same silent language that he had learnt with Haldir the last time Fate graced them with the gift of Time, and it was a call that Aragorn could do nothing but reply to.

He attempted to rise, to meet him but was pushed down by a pale hand, the fingertips curled, resting just above where his heart had begun to beat in anticipation. His breath hitched, and for a moment he resisted. After a moment of pushing against that hand over his heart, he relented, and let himself be led back down onto the bed. Haldir followed, his form shielding him from the soft lights of the woods, blocking all light except for the soft glow of his inner fea. He chased after him slowly, letting his hair brush down upon the face of his beau, before settling on the sides of his face, creating a curtain of gold to hide their faces from the world. All the better, this, to keep this private, hidden, from those who had no business knowing what was between them.

There was but a hair's length of air that separated their lips as they both paused, the anticipation building as they knew that what they had not been able to consumate on their last meeting would come here. Then, distance disappeared, and flesh melded together, as they began an ancient and timeless dance of passion and love and heart and body, knowing only this moment, only this other, knowing only what was and is, without a care of the coming light of dawn. Pleasure flowed freely, as they melted against the other's touch, giving soft sighs and sweet moans in the unexpected ecstasy that they discovered together. When completion was finally found, after a long and slow exploration of flesh and soul, it came unexpectedly, rolling through them with a power and force that took away their breath, blinded them with its intensity, and kept them shivering and trembling in the aftermath.

.

It had been many years since then, but it remained one of Haldir's most precious memories. Afterwards, they had stayed tangled together in their messy haven of sweat and semen, entwined limbs and twisted sheets, content to trade lazy kisses and whispered words. Though not their only time together, it would be one that would remain special- not only as their first time together, but also the cementing of the beautiful agony to come. It was a final surrender to the inevitable, and a welcoming to the joy that would come, as well as a resignation to the sorrow to come. Tragedy would come soon enough, but for now, Haldir was willing to push aside the future gloom for the joy of the present, for as long as it would last.

.

Even now, as he stood in the Golden Woods, waiting for the rest of the troops to gather, he knew that it was one memory that he would never lose, that was branded into his very soul. It would not be for too much longer. Soon, he would be leaving these woods, leaving their safety and restrictions for a battle that would take him back to his beloved, to his side, to stand with him and battle with him, for him, just as he should have been doing. When they reached there, to that desolate and isolated safe haven for the people of Rohan, of the golden halls of Meduselde. There, he would have no time for intimacy, nor would they be allowed anything more than a kiss, but it did not matter. Another battle would soon be upon him, and this time he would not be in Lothlorien away from his beloved. He would stand by his side, fight with him, fight for him. And if that night was to be their last together, then Haldir would not let it be without its love, even if only given in eyes and lingering touches.

.

He was dying. The irony of his situation did not escape Haldir as he fell, feeling his spirit leaving his body. It was too late now, for him to do anything about it. Perhaps it was better this way. Better that he should pass into the lands of the dead, where he would be to await his lover's arrival. He looked around, noting the many slain brothers around him- human, elf, it did not matter. They were all going on their last journey, to a place that no one could truly know, even the elves. After all, even if Mandos' Halls was where they were going, who was to say it would be an easy trip once the heart stopped beating?

He could feel his own heart faltering, felt the coldness that he had never known creep into him from his fingers, winding up his arms, and spreading. The wound that he knew to be on his head no longer hurt, had in fact, not been hurting after the first bursting blinding light of pain. He fell to his knees, no longer able to keep himself upright as his head spun and the world blurred for a brief moment, before focusing again. And then, he felt an arm circle around his shoulder, supporting him in his last moment as his head fell back. As he left his body, the last thing he saw on that earthly plane, was Aragorn, looking at him with love and despair deep in his eyes, and a sorrow and guilt so deep that it would never truly fade from those beloved seas of storms. A hand pressed into his shoulder, one last connection, one last goodbye, silent but profound. If he could move his lips, Haldir would have smiled.

He was right all along. A romance between a man and an elf was doomed from the start. It only ever ended in death and despair. But for what little joy they were allowed to have, for the small span of years that they had been given, Haldir could find no regrets beyond what little time they had to express their love. Now, all he could do was wait for his beloved in the lands of the dead, in those halls for the slain.

It was doomed from the start, but perhaps in the end, they were gifted with a different kind of eternity.


End file.
